Struggle to find and sustain love? Then learning more about your attachment style might hold the key to understanding why that is. According to Attachment Theory there are 3 distinct styles of attachment: anxious, secure and avoidant.
Anxiously attached people are preoccupied with thoughts about their relationship and the ability of their partner to love them back. (~25% of the population.)
You feel secure with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. (~50%)
The intimacy of relationships feel like a threat to the Avoidant persons independence. (~25%)
The missing ~5% fall into both the Anxious AND Avoidant category.
Notes & Highlights
📝 The avoidant make up a large part of the dating pool since they seldom stay for long in a relationship and bounce back fast after being rejected.
📝 Sometimes the anxiously attached mistake the emotional rollercoaster they experience when dating avoidant partners for love. When that drama is missing, like with a Secure partner, they feel like the spark is missing.
📝 The basic premise of adult attachment and the essence of attachment theory:
“If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down with that person.”
📝 Most People are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met they usually turn their attention outward. By responding to a need early on we can save ourselves a lot of hassle of putting out fires later.
Even if I fall into the securely attached category I learned from this book that I also have a few Avoidant traits as well. The book helped me understand how to work with the challenges my avoidant traits can pose to my relationship and how to better communicate my needs and give my partner the assurance she needs based on her attachment style.
In the end it’s all about communication, and that’s essentially what this book is about. Even if you don’t struggle in relationships I feel like Attached brings a lot to the table if you want to better understand yourself and the people around you. It also provides great guidance for how to better handle people less securely attached than yourself.
The solution to most problems according to this book is Direct Communication, but Attached fails to explain in a straightforward manner what they mean by it and how you do it.
Luckily other books succeeded in explaining direct communication and I will share a few titles below.
⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ out of 5
📖 Crucial Conversations
A classic when it comes to communications when stakes are high. A great book with principles that we all need to know by heart in order to successfully lead a team, family, and a good life in general. It’s not a fun read per se but the payoff is huge.
📖 Non-Violent Communication (Review)
More enjoyable than Crucial Conversations. Be precise in your speech and you will save yourself and the people around you from a ton of unnecessary suffering, that’s my main takeaway from this book. This one and Crucial Conversations makes a powerful communication combo. Master both and you’ll reap the fruit for the rest of your life.
📖 Radical Honesty (Review)
The book is to the point and quite blunt. Tell the truth no matter how it makes you look. A tough regiment for most of us, but The author insists: “The truth will set you free.”